Have you ever had your heart ripped in two? As a parent especially, I have learned it has become a regular part of my life…but especially when I have to be a single parent and my husband is gone!
As a military wife, my husband often has to leave for various assignments. Although he is in the reserves and we don’t normally have the really long-term deployments like some Navy families, these short-term ones still create many challenges for the spouse back home. Simple daily routines are harder, behaviors are a greater struggle especially with the younger ages and having to be a firmer hand is a constant reality, activities change, exhaustion levels sky rocket, and just overall bearing all of the home on one parent’s shoulders is wearisome. My heart truly weighs heavy for all the single parents out there. I am utterly amazed at the abilities to do it for an indefinite number of days with no expectation of the burden being shared any time soon!
Amidst all of those challenges though is the biggest one that I came even more face to face this past weekend and it tore my heart in two. Although it seems so simple, it brought tears to my eyes. We were visiting friends in Florida and one of the little girls ended up really sick. So I decided to take the boys to the beach for a short time before we enjoyed dinner together and to let her rest more. We got to this beautiful clear blue ocean with soft white sands and set our stuff down. Since we had flown I did not pack much water stuff or flotation devices for the boys, so I carried the one-year old on my hip and held very tightly to my 3 year old knowing the current and strength of the waves could knock him down, take him under and he would have a hard time getting back up. So I was not about to let go. Oh my eldest had so much fun clinging ever so tightly to my arm, jumping waves, floating and letting his body get carried with the waves knowing he was safe in my grip. On my other hip, the joy was not shared. My littlest was not by any means happy and he was shifting his body all over, crying, kicking, etc. Making my one handed grip on him continualy changing and trying to keep him from diving head first also into the salty, rolling sea. Needless to say, my arms were now both on fire after a short amount of time battling an upset, fidgety child, and another one who was testing the strength of my arm for all it’s worth in wonder-ful play. So, I had to sadly go back to shore much to my eldest’s disappointment. I let him play close to me where the water was lapping the shore but where it wasn’t strong enough to pull him back into the ocean’s depths and then sat on the sand with my youngest. I tried sand castles, I tried different water play…nothing made him happy. Until I took my phone out to take pictures of my eldest. Then my camera loving little boy finally started to smile and enjoy himself.
And as I looked through my “camera lens” (phone screen) at my oldest one frolicking in the ocean wanting desperately to go play in the waves but finding a way to enjoy the water still…my heart sunk. I was ready to burst into tears. I so desperately wanted to take him in my arms, run out into the ocean, teach him how to swim and surf the waves, how to feel the waves lifting him up and down or building sand castles and running along the shore. I wanted to do all that and more! But I couldn’t. I needed to be sitting here with the littlest making sure he was safe and sound and content and that meant forsaking those joys with my other little boy. I wanted to do both. But it was impossible. When my husband is with me, we can take turns and both boys feel the fullness of their experiences. But when it is just one parent, it often feels as though one gets more attention and it’s the one with the greatest needs. And my heart just hurt and ripped in two. I know it’s a short season in their lives with their age gap and developments, but a parent still battles inward struggles and not being there for both at the same time I believe has been the greatest struggle!
At times like these, I always find ways to do the best I can with the boys. When one is napping I spend as much one on one time with the other. I show as much attention as possible to each and equally congratulate on their different accomplishments. That’s all one can do. I don’t doubt that those times will still make a positive impact on their lives, but it is still a great emotional struggle as a parent to be unable to offer the fullness of myself especially in the new experiences.
So I write this not as a depressing post, but to say to you moms who are right there struggling alone as a parent:
I see you. I understand. You are doing a great job! Don’t get discouraged, rely on the Lord’s help and let Him be that second parent while you do the best you can with the hands He has given. Oh my goodness the days are long and hard and utterly wearisome, but you are not forgotten and you are not alone. You don’t have to be everything to your child. Let go of your impossible expectations of yourself and ask the Lord to show you how to manage life alone with your children. It’s not easy. God doesn’t say He’ll take away all the hard days, tragedies, frustrations, unfulfilled dreams, but He does say He’ll be right there with you as you go through those days and dashed hopes. He is the greatest shoulder on which to lean on. And by the way, it’s okay to cry on His shoulder! He more than welcomes it! So good job Mom (or Dad), you can do this with His help!
If you aren’t a single parent or have not experienced those challenges with a spouse that has to be gone for extended times, I encourage you to uplift those you do know. Offer to accompany them or lend an extra hand! When we returned from the beach, my friend’s family embraced us so incredibly! And just the simple act of grabbing one of the boys and taking him to the tub while I grabbed the other was a huge blessing! Loving and correcting my boys when my focus was divided was immensely comforting to my spirit. The weight of traveling as a single parent was lessened and I was able to enjoy company and relax a little bit more (despite having to still be a firmer disciplinarian due to the loss of common sense my son has when Dad is gone). So be attentive to those parents and jump in when you can. Love on their children as your own and be that extra set of hands to pick up, hug, direct, chase or lovingly correct when needed! And don’t forget that hug, prayer, encouragement and maybe even a home cooked meal for the parent! It will be more appreciated and welcome than you know!
